There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
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