sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
