Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
