He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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