just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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