About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just had sex on a roof
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
