I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
