someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
