3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
