Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
