we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
