Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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