i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
