I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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