I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
