I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
