Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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