There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's rum buckets o'clock
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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