I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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