you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
