i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
