Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
