I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
