just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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