i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
