i love accidental penises.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
