Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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