She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
