Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You made out with two different species that night
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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