It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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