I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize