dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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