Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize