He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
