gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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