dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
