I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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