Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
