I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
