if you like me you must not know who I am
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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