just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize