the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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