Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
