I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
