Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
