there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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