the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
