She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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