We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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