Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
