Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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