The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
