i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
