"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
