We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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