The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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