Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
