Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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