why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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