There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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